Photo Credit: Lloyd Morgan
I don't know if this is a part of psychology but for the last 1-2 years, I have been feeling that everything seems to feel meaningless, and I've started to lose interest in things I used to enjoy.
I have always thought that life isn't worth living and I have thought that maybe it is better off for me to end my life, but the (lucky?) thing is that I am afraid of death. I have never showed this side of mine to anyone. I don't know why, in front of others, it feels like I have to always show my "happy", "carefree" side.
Recently, I also have some difficulties falling asleep, although it's weekdays and I should be tired from school. I don't know if these are related. I am a Buddhist, who has been studying in a Christian school. But to tell the truth, I believe in neither. Sorry if I sound like I am discriminating your religion, but I just wanted to say what I feel, in hope that I could get a more precise answer of my situation.
To me, all the stuff they talk about in religion sounds fake. Sometimes, I don't know whether I believe in God. I have always prayed every night, but inside, I don't know whether he really does exist.
My studies have always been good, and this whole thing fortunately does not cause an impact on my studies. But I always don't know why I am working so hard in school. I don't know whether it's for myself or my parents, or for whatever reason. My parents are not those unreasonable ones who demand alot, in fact they don't really demand much from me from studies. I mean they demand more on my behaviour and stuff like that.
I am also not one of those who want to pursue whatever degree, I just want to finish this whole school thing. So I really don't know why I am working hard for every test.
Please don't take me as someone who is trying to ask for attention. I really don't know what is happening with me. Sometimes, small little problems can make me cry (of course not in front of others).
Am I suffering from depression? Or is it a personality disorder? Or are all these normal? Should I see a doctor? If yes, how should I tell my parents?